Time To Let It All Go - Birthday Thoughts

I’m 38 today. All week long leading up to today I’ve been thinking a lot. I’ll be honest a lot of that thinking hasn’t been positive. It’s been filled with a lot of negative thoughts about what these first 38 years of my life have been.

When I think about the last 38 years it’s mainly thoughts of dumb decisions, bad choices and big mistakes. Does that mean it’s all been bad? No, of course not. I’m not that morbid of a thinker. It just means that there have been enough of those bad decisions that they cloud my brain.

Not taking care of myself physically for years and years. Which led to weighing 420 pounds. Being the stereotypical immature kid and not taking college seriously. Now I’m 38 and don’t have a college degree. Remaining immature for too long and not developing a work ethic and career for myself till I was in my 30’s. I could be much further along in my career.  Falling in love and marrying the wrong person. Continuing to try and try to make that relationship work when It was never going too. I could go on and on.

Those mistakes and decisions haunt me daily. Some days I do pretty good and don’t let them consume me. Other days I don’t. There are days that carrying the weight of those bad choices is suffocating. It’s all I can do each day. It’s all I can do to just get from day to day and exist. Over the years dealing with this I’ve grown a mindset of just accepting that this is who I am. This is who I’m supposed to be. I’m just the guy who is always recovering and trying to keep things going in the right direction after his last mistake.

Reading that as I write I can recognize how flawed that thinking is. That’s the way I felt. I don’t want to feel that way anymore. I don’t want to be that person anymore. That’s not what I want out of life. I want a have a life that I enjoy. I want to have a life that makes me happy. I don’t want to just exist.

That’s my new focus. For years I’ve thought in my head that my friends and family only see my mistakes. Doesn’t mean they don’t love and care about me just means that in their heads that’s who I am. Maybe that’s true, maybe it’s not. If it is, I accept it and can’t blame them.  I always thought that’s what holds me back but it’s not. I do. It’s me thinking that’s all this life has for me. It’s me thinking that’s just who I am.

That must change. That’s my new focus. That’s my birthday present to myself. To stop getting in my own way. To finally let the past, go and stop letting it suffocate me and keep me from being the person I’m supposed to be. To figure out what it means for me to be happy. When I figure it out to chase it and not stop until I achieve it.

Maybe I wasted a good portion of my first 38 years. God willing I’ll still have at least 38 or more to make the most of it moving forward. I can still be the person I want to be in this life. I don’t have to just exist.

Sitting here on the beach this morning I can’t help but wonder if other people do this. Beat themselves up about their past mistakes and let it consume them. It’s such an unhealthy behavior and something that can have such a negative impact on your lives.  If they do and anyone like that would read this all I would say to you is stop.

That’s not who you have to be. That’s not who you’re supposed to be. You can stop and start heading in the right direction. It might take some work, but you can still find happiness in this life. You don’t have to just exist.

Hopefully if that’s you, you don’t wait 38 years to realize it like I did. I’m going to do whatever I can to make sure I make the most of mine moving forward. If I can’t find happiness I’m going to search and fight for it every day. I’m not going to let my past and my mind keep me from doing it anymore.