Finding My Way Back

Those that know me personally know my story. They know that God was a major part of my life. I was saved at 18. In my mid to late 20’s I spent most of my time working for different ministries in volunteer capacities as well as being employed.

Then life threw me a big curveball.

At 31 I got married. I was the happiest I’d ever been in my life. I had a wife who had a son. For the first time in my life I had the family I always wanted. That didn’t last long. My world quickly fell apart as my marriage quickly blew up. I was left for someone else. My ex-wife just wasn’t the person I thought she was. It wasn’t all her fault; I wasn’t perfect either.

My world was devastated. No one can understand that feeling unless you’ve been through it. To be betrayed and cheated on by the person you’ve devoted your entire life too is the most painful thing I’ve ever been through. It was the only time in my life I’ve even thought about the possibility of not wanting to go on.

As I navigated through that the people at the church, I was involved in at the time became very frustrated with me. They advised me on how to deal with what I was going through and I didn’t follow the path they laid out. When that happened, they quit talking to me. That honestly made me very angry. Angry at them personally. Angry at the institution of church. I’d been told for years how a church a family and a community of love and I is felt very un-loved.

That feeling sparked a change in me. A change that as I look back at it now wasn’t positive. On the outside I was ok. I started to heal from the pain of my divorce. I got back to living and enjoying life. My career was doing better than it ever had. I was maintaining the physical transformation I’d gone through years before. There was a lot of positive. There was also one big negative.

I never felt angry at God, but I was very angry at Church and Christians as a whole. Saying the last part of that sentence sounds very weird to me since almost all my friends are Christians including multiple friends that are Pastors. It’s the truth though. That led me to completely close off my relationship with God. I stopped going to Church. I got to the place where I honestly felt like that would never be a part of my life again. I just felt like that wasn’t the kind of people I wanted to be around.

Recently that feeling has softened in me a lot. I began to feel like a piece of me was missing. I felt like a ship with no direction. Talking to some friends they encouraged me to get plugged back into a church. I acknowledged that it was probably a good idea, but I still wasn’t ready. In the last few years I’ve become a very un-trusting person with just about anybody. It’s not a quality I like in myself but it’s there. The thought of giving my trust to anyone new is terrifying. So, the idea of possibly getting involved at a church and getting that feeling of being judged or abandoned like I did when my divorce happened just wasn’t something, I was willing to risk.

About a month ago that changed. I tried out a local church with some friends. I honestly was very skeptical. I didn’t think I would feel comfortable. I didn’t think I would really identify with any part of it. That wasn’t the case. The message that night was really geared toward couples and marriage, but I still found a couple of things that rang home.

I went for the second time last week. The series was called “Heart Matters.” The first message dealt with Guarding Your Heart. As I sat there and listened to the message, I realized a couple of things. I realized I didn’t guard my heart enough in the past. I wanted something so badly that I opened my heart up too much to someone and I got taken advantage of. In turn that caused me to guard my heart so much in the years after that I didn’t let anyone else in, including God.

After that I’ve been thinking more and more about my relationship with God. That maybe that’s the piece that’s been missing for me the last few years. Maybe this is the start of me finding my way back and re-engaging. Making God a part of my life again. Earlier today for the first time in years I made myself a playlist of Christian music on my iPhone. On the way to work this morning I decided to play it.

The first song that played was Revelation by Third Day. As the lyrics started it was like God was talking to me. I couldn’t help but get a little emotional as I drove, and the lyrics played.

Give me a Revelation

Show me what to do

Cause I’ve been trying to find my way

I haven’t got a clue

Tell me should I stay here

Or do I need to move

Give me a Revelation
I’m nothing without you

The truth is I have been trying to find my way. For years. I’ve done good in a lot of areas, but I’ve failed in a lot of others.

I’m not sure where this road is going to lead me. Whether it means I’ll ever get back to being as deeply involved in the church as I was in the past or not. I’m not worried about that right now. I’m going to take this road slowly and let it happen as it’s supposed to.